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Sunday, September 18th, 2016
2:21 pm
my sweetheart
it's so hard to see you go
so slowly
lay on your blanket in one position
for hours, struggling to get up
you never do
but your face is alert, your chest robust
sniffing around for the next meal
your baby blue blanket stained with food
and worse, urine
your black striped hair and warm tabby notes
fill my heart
fill the room
fill the air
i kiss you close to me
it's going to be so hard to be without you
our house will never be the same
who will we feed
who will we hug
who will we whisper to, sing for

winter white paws, dirt in the nails
lay your head down to sleep
pale green eyes fade to close
tomorrow is your last day here with us
i persuaded them that it was time to go
and they agreed, with heartbreak
baby i can't imagine my life without you
but to see you suffer even more
than you already have
is worse
than anything else
it hurts me more than anyone knows
i've shed tears for six weeks now
i'll never be ready
but at least i started mourning already

right now it feels like i will never feel comfort again
i just want you to be comfortable


Sunday, September 11th, 2016
7:01 pm
murphy crosses my thoughts every day and yet i have not written about him for some time now.

it's been 5~ weeks since his bone cancer diagnosis, which erupted in his hip and spread into his ballooning leg more and more with each day passing. every weekend i go to mississauga, i'm in disbelief at how rapidly his leg is increasing in size. he must be in so much pain. it hurts me to see him suffer. when i stroke his body, i can feel each bone jutting out through his fur. the cancer is slowly emaciating all but his leg which only keeps swelling.

last week, he wasn't doing too well. didn't eat, didn't drink for a few days. my mom called me to tell me that she looked into euthanasia and cremation because she thought he was going to die right then and there. she was spoon feeding him his meals. i broke down on the phone at work, hiding any traces of mascara mixing with tears.

he, miraculously, is still alive. i am counting down the days to nowhere. i am teetering on the edge of grief every day, expecting the worst outcome. my biggest fear is not being there when he passes away. surely he would wait for me to come and say goodbye to him, right?

because of his swollen leg and withering immune system, he is having more difficulty walking than ever before. he sits in one spot all day, as i witnessed on my visit to mississauga this past weekend. my mom had also called me to talk about that. and it's strange, too, that she's calling since i am the one who always calls, a tinge of concern always in my voice, asking how murphy is doing. i knew he'd be immobile, she prepared me ahead of time.

his hunger and thirst awakened when i visited this past friday and saturday. he sat in his spot, which is now a blanketed zone near his dish in the kitchen, instead of his old haunt, the cabled corner behind the television. i fed him a few times, he responded joyfully. he drank a little water which i hadn't expected him to do. i know he feels okay when he asks for cheese, milk and even tries to get up to beg for food. but watching him get up is very difficult.

sometimes i pick him up and move him behind the t.v. or take him outside near his favourite bush so he can get a change of scenery, and so that he can move his body. sometimes he stands up to eat out of his bowl, but most of the time, halfway through his meal, he needs to sit down. that's when i gently push the bowl underneath his nose, so he can eat lying down on his side.

when i pet him he purrs, lying on the same side always, the swollen leg facing the world, his hip twitching if i come too close to it during my pettings. i scratch him underneath his chin, on top of his head, in between his eyes, and he responds gleefully.

but i know it's all coming to an end. i feel guilty when, outside of my thinking about murphy, i am having fun. i force myself to think of his pain, and that i should be suffering, too. i feel guilty not being near him in my spare time. i feel guilty laughing and relaxing, far away from his abode at my own in toronto. so i get deep into a heart-thumping grief, a place i come in and out of every day, as i worry about his well being.

last week i was reading my september horoscope. there is a full moon next week. the horoscope said to check what happened this past march to get a clue of what's to come. i drew a blank. i was in dominican republic, i was looking at homes, reexamining my things. okay. then the horoscope asked me to look back to 1997 for clues of what's to come, to culminate, as full moons bring things to an end or help awaken something in a sense. 1997 was the year we got murphy.

my heart shattered inside of my body when i made the connection. to see a date so final, though insecure, amidst all the busy-ness that is happening in my life, the writing deadlines, tiff season, fashion week, had me melt into despair, which at that point had taken over my entire body, collapsing into itself. eclipses, too, have culminating effects +/- 5 days within their peak date. so the date isn't final. but it would make sense that it's coming now.

it sounds selfish, but when i see him in pain, i think of how putting him down would end his suffering. but it would also end my own emotional rollercoaster, the amount of time i have spent dwelling on this foreboding climax. that's when it would all come to an end. i would be out like a light for the coming days, weeks even, or i don't know because i've never experienced grief. but at least i would not need to anticipate anymore.

that is the saddest feeling of all: being responsible for admitting that it's time for him to go. deliberately putting things to an end, not waiting, but just ending it, because you can't bear it anymore. and neither can he. when we got the diagnosis, we played it by ear. i've had my murphy for 5 weeks longer. i'm glad that is the case. i'm glad we didn't act rashly. but since then, nothing has improved.

on friday, my mom and i went to the mall. i found out an urban outfitters had opened in square one, a mall that defined my mississauga youth, and discovered one of my favourite albums of all time – i really do mean that, of all, all, all time – in the discount bin for $2: dear you by jawbreaker.

today i popped the vinyl in, awaiting an explosion of nostalgia. i was amazed that i had remembered so many of the lyrics. i swooned over blake schwarzenbach's lyrical abilities, the way he so effortlessly tells stories of the 90s cali punk scenes. i pictured a warm burning sun on the west coast as i listened, coating everything with yellow and orange hues. basement parties i'd never been to. emo kids falling in love. making zines. creating their own revolutions. i pictured my friends and i coopting everything we knew about that scene, begging to be part of it as teens living in the early aughts, even though the original era was over.

that's when "basilica" came on, arguably the saddest song on the album. i became a wash of tears immediately. the level of grief written about shocked me: it was exactly what i was experiencing. swarzenbach's sentiments on losing his friends were parallel to what was happening to me. i now paraphrase the entire song as my own experience; i don't think it would be worth rewriting in my own personal context. i'm not ready for that yet.

sunken eyed best friend of mine
why do you sit so still, still shaking?
superhero sapped of all powers
i'll kneel beside you, watch you for hours

there's an angel on you
leaning down to kiss your cheek
feathers floating on air
this is my prayer for you

steps of stone, morning bright blue
stick of flame, a candle winks at you
in the pew, head down, i'm crying
i think you have thoughts of dying

i'm eclipsing them now
calling all allies down
i'm consumed by your eyes
keep them open and full

it's raining in your room
angel tears, bask sweet
angel eyes on you
they love all that they see

dewy palm, cemetary lawn
walk alone in the gardens of loss
you can't have a flower of stone
never let this soil come between us


Tuesday, August 9th, 2016
7:52 pm - first 7 jobs. reveals character? rejigs poor memory?
1. Cashier and garden gyal at White Rose.
2. Sales associate at the Body Shop.
3. Sales associate at Chapters.
4. Sales associate at Kitchen Stuff Plus.
5. Sales associate at Value Village.
6. Radio research assistant for my prof at York University.
7. Different kind of radio research assistant for my prof at York University.

Don't worry, it didn't get very exciting nor did my prospects reach soaring heights after those research gigs. Went back to being a good old sales associate at Marshalls, Aritzia. Did free work in between and after that.

Jobs ain't glamourous, and they don't define who you are, I guess?


Sunday, August 7th, 2016
10:51 pm - Simple joys
Parisian stationery
The Japanese language
Fine, sheer paper
Beaded skirts that are heavy
Cafés you have to walk down the stairs to get to (underground)
Linen tees that hang like perfection
Belgian chocolate
Loose whiskers
Murphy in bed
Peeled sunflower seeds


Sunday, July 31st, 2016
11:40 am
murphy is sick :( we found out he has bone cancer in his leg. it has been very hard for me, watching him limp - as he's been doing for the past two weeks - and seeing him struggle as he sits down. when we took him to the vet, the doctor said he didn't have long to live, and that we should sit down and think about things, and monitor how he's doing. but it will only be a matter of time before he goes.

i came to my parents house from toronto. it had been two weeks since my last visit, and i wanted to see murphy. he's getting old so i wanted to spend more time with him.

as jamie pulled into the driveway, so did my brother, just by fate. he said i should check murphy out because he has a lump on his leg. i hurried through the door and ran straight to his spot, which is usually by the window, near the t.v.'s warm cables.

his mood seemed regular. no changes. but then i felt the lump and immediately lost my shit. my mom said she noticed that his leg was swollen last night. i called her to say i was coming over then, but she never mentioned anything to me. rightfully so, as i would have a panic attack over the phone.

that's when we took him to the vet and got his diagnosis. he's 19 and a half years old.

it's hard to sit down and write and reflect on what's happening right now. but i need to pause for a moment and record what's happening right now to ground myself, to reflect, and later on, to look back in tears. when health is endangered, i feel threatened and i start to go into a panic mode where everything seems really fast and really slow at the same time. everything seems fragile around me. my mood is frail. hurried. weak and trying to run at the same time. run from the reality that is death. something i have no experience with.

we don't know how long he has. the cancer will spread. we only decided to get xrays of his leg, but it could very well spread into his chest if it hasn't already. his breathing seems unchanged. he doesn't seem like he is in too much pain, except the limp.

i am overly sensitive about animals. when i was a kid i would bawl my eyes out at humane society commercials. i hate seeing animals struggle more than humans. it triggers something very negative and sad in my body. i can't watch documentaries about endangered species anymore, about mistreatment of animals, about how people exploit animals for money. i can't read about pets dying because i know i am going to cry hard.

i couldn't help but let the tears flow at the vet. he had to talk to me one-on-one, ask me to be strong, and reinforce that this is what happens in life, that all living things die. as long as murphy isn't suffering. do the humane thing. he gave us his cell phone number just in case anything happens. more than anything, he made me feel that everything was going to be okay no matter what. even in these moments of sadness.

i've never lost anyone or anything. i want to send positive vibes of love and warmth but all i have is worry inside of me. i knew it would come someday. i just want it to be peaceful, and i don't want him to suffer. cats are good at hiding their pain. and i always knew i would never be able to handle what would happen.

i'm lucky to have had my animal friend, my little bro, for 19 years. my pumpkin pie. cutie. large ham. chicken butt. chicken leg. beautiful silly muffin. my little aries. he's truly an anomaly in my life and in the world. he has been through everything with me without either of us really realizing it. he has been with me since he was 3 months old, when i first moved to erindale. he has seen me go through puberty, he has ran away for a year and a half while we were vacationing in san diego, he has seen my tears from when i was bullied in school, he has seen parties and my friends who loved and embraced him and his sweet personality, he has seen me come and go to university, he has seen me leave to travel the world many times, he has seen me fall in love with jamie, he has seen me go through so many phases, he's seen my various moods, he's seen me eat nothing and eat everything and become bulimic and heal, he's seen me feed him and pet him and let him outside, he's seen my skin peel back to reveal angry bumps, he's seen my art.

he has seen me in every way, and has been with me through everything, through my entire youth, adolescence, and emergence into adulthood, from when i was age 10 to now, at age 28.

i packed my huge red bag because i plan to stay for a few days. i have been thinking about what to post on slack, what to email my boss, because i will be working from home. i don't want to be in the office, surrounded by triviality. the answers aren't definite. i don't know for how long i'll be here. i'll need to go to toronto to eat my food so it doesn't go bad, to water my plants, to go to my book club on wednesday where i can talk about elena ferrante to get things off of my mind, to maintain domestic things that i can control. because right now everything seems out of control.

tonight i'm seeing drake, and i'm looking forward to it. but the sadness of this weekend has changed the colour of things around me. it will be nice to let the music do its thing. but tomorrow i'll be back to my regular self.


Monday, July 11th, 2016
3:22 pm - Resumé by Dorothy Parker
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.


Wednesday, June 22nd, 2016
12:02 pm - wilting flower, broken tile
I'm having one of the worst cases of post-vacation blues right now. I also haven't been writing. For the last 2 weeks I was in Spain with Jamie. It was incredible (and incredibly short). I am working today from home and skipping as many call-in meetings as possible, simply because I cannot deal. The only thing getting me through this right now is this French breakfast tea I bought at the Paris duty free.

The reason why I didn't write was because it's very busy and distracting to be a tourist doing touristy things in Europe for a short period of time. I also didn't get a lot of alone time, but I am okay with that, as being alone scares the shit out of me these days. Way worse than it used to. I usually write about how I feel in a new place, and it's usually laced with melancholy, longing and nostalgia. I think I wanted a break from that. I didn't really need to write about all the sights I saw, since I had a Google doc with our itinerary in it. I took lots of pictures which will give me the shivers when I revisit them. Perhaps then I'll write something about the mood of Spain.

The more I travel, the more I realize what I need to work on about myself internally. I like travel because it's raw, vulnerable and present. It's scary to see yourself in a new location, to see how you deal with problems. I clearly see how I cause my own stress in my life, and how it impacts Jamie as well. I would like to build the strength and confidence to become the resilient, caring and creative person that I am. I would like to see myself as successful, a type of success that is not validated by what others think, and how others see me.

I'm facing major barriers to creating the life I really want to live. I know this feeling right now will pass, but actually it stays with me for a long time. The pressure builds up. Anytime I read an article about freelance writing, I get upset that I'm not doing it. I start to compare my measley life to others (but wait, I just went on vacation and should be grateful, and I am). Anytime that I see a successful travel blogger making money and living her life, I cringe with jealousy. This is an awful way to react to other people, and it doesn't serve me.

I would like to set the intention that I am actually going to start working on my freelance writing website, and starting a travel blog. These things seem simple but they overwhelm me more than the winding roads of Granada, than the market meals of Barcelona, than the details of Seville. I have held the intention to freelance and be independent for years, and I've never really come through. What can I do differently to achieve these things? So far, the old tricks haven't worked.

Today I'm proclaiming that I am working on these things. Becoming a successful freelance writer and travel blogger. Overcoming anxiety and working on this daily. These things are important to me, more than anyone knows. These are the things that take up a large portion of my heart. It's time to put the jealousy away, and cut the ties to my own fears once and for all.

current mood: desperate


Monday, May 24th, 2010
7:34 am - Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris: excerpt
"Traveling across the United States, it's easy to see why Americans are often thought of as stupid. At the San Diego Zoo, right near the primate habitats, there's a display featuring half a dozen life-size gorillas made out of bronze. Posted nearby is a sign reading CAUTION: GORILLA STATUES MAY BE HOT. Everywhere you turn, the obvious is being stated. CANNON MAY BE LOUD. MOVING SIDEWALK ABOUT TO END. To people who don't run around suing one another, such signs suggest a crippling lack of intelligence. Place bronze statues beneath the southern California sun, and of course they're going to get hot. Cannons are supposed to be loud, that's their claim to fame, and - like it or not - the moving sidewalk is bound to end sooner or later. It's hard trying to explain a country whose motto has become You can't claim I didn't warn you. What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks?"

This pretty much sums up my trip to Texas.

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Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
11:34 am
Fuck it man, I think I'm just going to intern for Murphy. There is something to be said for someone who purrs in the middle of the night for no reason.

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Saturday, April 17th, 2010
11:33 am - Dogtown, so what?

I really like the movie "Lords of Dogtown". I heard the doc "Dogtown and Z-Boys" is supposed to be better though, directed by Stacy Peralta. Gonna torrent that shit soon. The history of skateboarding is more important or relevant to today than one might think, even if you do not associate with it. I just love history of subcultures, any and all of them. I could watch this over and over again even though it really wasn't THAT great (the script I mean), but I loved seeing the emergence of skateboarding in the 1970s and the importance of music within early skateboarding culture. I love it all. Skateboarding looked so freaking cool, so innocent, even though it was pretty rebellious at the time, especially when the Z-boys made their appearance with polyurethane wheels that revolutionized skateboarding. This movie didn't make the 1970s look lame. It made me want to buy a Tony Alva board. "Lords of Dogtown" facilitates good time memories on being an irresponsible teenager. It makes me miss Cali and all those stupid innocent things I used to love associated with Cali like Blink 182 and Green Day. It also reminds me of the importance of selling out - selling out happens in every subculture and is a huge theme throughout the later half of the movie. Overall, a simple movie with little to no use of social media technology bull. And really, that is more refreshing than anything else. Keeping it simple and keeping it real.

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